Confessions of an Apathetic Loser - 1 -

To be honest. Nothing in my life is falling into place as everyone believes it is. I have withdrawn to the point of apathy. I don’t really care anymore and for me that’s the best course of action. It’s to the point I’m living off of only a few hours of sleep a night and only an apple and the equivalent of a hot pocket a day. My entire life has been thrown for a loop and it hurts. Though, that pain is being pushed aside as I know that I need to remain strong.

I’d been struggling with depressing and apathy for a long while. It takes everything that I am to actually be able to keep myself open and talking about my feelings. I know that’s my biggest flaw and right now I’m going to embrace it. Emotions are illogical and completely confusing. I don’t want them anymore. I’m just going to enjoy what’s going on in my life and see where it goes from there.

My heart will still be out there for people that I care about, but what they do doesn’t matter anymore. I just don’t care. I remember when my ex asked me if I could even love someone. At that point I thought I could, but as I think about it more and more I’m not so sure. A part of me believes that I can and that I just don’t want to, but another part of me doesn’t think I can. It’s why I always help everyone. It’s not because I really care about anyone. It’s because I can’t care about a single person and just do whatever I can to make it seem like I do. I’m not sure whether or not I do this for my own benefit or for others to see. Is it me trying to make others believe that I’m not heartless or make myself believe that I’m not heartless.

Take for instance my latest endeavor. I’m sure it’s going to be my last one. He’s a nice guy. He’s honest, caring, a smart ass, and completely different than anyone else I’ve met. I thought I really liked him to the point that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but now that I think about it and have seen him with my kid I’m not sure whether that was because he needed me as a friend or I needed him to help me see a few things. He’s actually perfect. Everything about him is great. I haven’t had one complaint. He’s even amazing in bed, but that doesn’t really matter. I just don’t really feel it.

He has managed to help me open up to myself and see this. The very thing that I probably shouldn’t admit. The fact that I can’t stand being tired down to anything and just want to leave. It’s not that I want to run away. I want to explore. I want to be free. There is no fear of taking care of what I have to. There is only boredom and fatigue. My daughter is the most important person in my life, but my love of adventure out ranks her. I’m not sure what this means or what to do with this knowledge.

Though, with this knowledge I feel that I need to escape from him. Though, he’s not ready for me to leave him. We have fun when we’re together, but I feel that I’m going to do the very same thing that I’ve done to every other person in my life. Once I’ve been hurt or come to the realization that I can be hurt I’ll withdraw. I hide within myself to keep from feeling the pain. It’s not that I’ve been hurt that often. I really haven’t. My life really hasn’t been the greatest or easiest, but I know many people have had worse. I just don’t want to have worse.

In a way, I guess I devise my own demise. I’m alone because I can’t accept people in my life. Though, I feel that everyone should accept me. It’s because I know they can trust me and don’t need to worry about it. My biggest issue is learning to trust other people. I can’t trust my own best friend to tell them everything. I doubt I’ll ever be able to trust anyone fully ever. No one will ever know me and that’s all my fault. I’m alone, but I’m not lonely.

It’s funny to think about now that I’ve been interested in this guy. I don’t need the relationship that I thought I did. I don’t even really want it. I guess I need a friend and he seems to be a decent friend. I’ll keep him as a friend, maybe even more, but that’s all. I don’t think there’s any real future between the two of us. He’s going to eventually find the woman he wants and break off our relationship, which I’m still not sure what to call it, and be with her. I honestly don’t think I’d mind. It’s strange to think about. Just last week I was sure that I would die if I saw him with another woman, but my emotions are locked away.

I don’t ever want to have another relationship again. The idea almost hurts to think about. It’s not an emotional pain. It’s not heartache or anything that stupid. It’s almost a headache. It’s completely illogical and in my opinion stupid. A person should never rely on another person in such a way. I guess I finally understand why people like to have friends with benefits. No attachment, but there’s that physical release.

That’s another thing that I really don’t feel I need. As I sit and think about it, he is the most sexually enticing man I’ve ever met, but at this point I feel that the round we had last night was in a way break up sex. I don’t want anymore. I don’t feel like it would be best and I don’t want to complicate things. I probably already did because I’m just good at that. Not sure how he’s going to take it when I deny him, but I’m ready to deal with it.

So just one last thing. I thank everyone that took the time to read this. I know it’s stupid and there’s no point in it, but I’m going to keep this up. These are the confessions of an apathetic loser.